Before my work for the day began today I needed to make a quick stop to Walmart to grab a few things. I’m sucha Target girl, but what I was specifically looking for, I knew I couldn’t find in Target. I was again reminded how little I can tolerate of Walmart .. small intervals at a time.
Anywho, that’s not even the point of this entry (figures).. so, on my way from Walmart to home I got ridiculously overwhelmed.. with life.. with thoughts.. with doubts.. with everything.. with stuff. It was like a wave of emotion. Billows crashing. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was heavy. It was frustrating. It was discouraging. I suck at battles. I never win. I just began going through the thoughts in my head, half of them were lies, half of them were fears. I literally got tired battling through my thoughts, so I decided to tune out the noise by adding more noise (figures). I flipped through the radio stations:
Casting Crowns..
Bruno Mars..
Lady Gaga..
Bing Crosby..
Casting Crowns..
I’m such a radio-switcher. I know. You’d hate me being in your passenger seat. I get uberly antzy. Full circle on the music. At this point, I became disgusted by all of the noise. I knew there was a part of me that wanted to tune out the sounds in my head.. the convictions of my heart.. the battle of Spirit versus flesh. At that moment, I would rather listen to Casting Crowns sing of the Cross and Jesus’ love than to actually have a teeth-pulling conversation with Jesus and turn the music off. By the time I reached my driveway, I just sat there in silence. Complete silence. I turned the car off and sat still.
The thoughts grew LOUDER and louder. It’s like, the battle of Armageddon screaming in my head. Evil versus Holy. Good versus Bad. Sheryl versus God.
A thought from Ian’s sermon yesterday was blaring in my head “the person you love the most, is the person you will sin against the most”. Over and over. He was talking about the context of marriage and I just felt this weight of heaviness. “Someone (outside of God) out there is actually gonna see all MY mess??” ..“They will choose to stay in the midst of my sin??” What does that EVEN mean!? In that moment of Sheryl being a wickedly depraved sinner needing Jesus, I thought about the selfishness of my heart. Ugh. Seeing your sin is no fun. The actual act of sinning, on the other hand, ha, sometimes can be fun, I know.. I know.. but let’s be real, our flesh enjoys every moment of not having to be like Jesus. Actually seeing yourself sin is no joke. Watching the Holy Spirit battle for your affections is a feeling like none other. I cannot compare it to anything I have ever experienced before.
Some of my greatest battles are fought in the car, weird place right? Well.. it’s one of the few places I’m forced to be honest with God without being interrupted by someone. It’s either sit in an empty car for 30 minutes and miserably try to tune out the voice of God or actually quiet down your heart and receive what He has to say.
So, after hours of miserably trying to avoid.. I decided to tune my discouraged heart to Jesus.. the latter half of Ian’s statement came to mind.. “the person who you love the most, you will sin against the most.. but where there is sin, grace abounds.” WHAT! This whole thing is about grace?! Seriously? Sighs, what a comfort to my far-from-perfect self. Where there is sin in relationships, grace abounds. There is room for forgiveness. There is no perfect couple or perfect person. There is grace. Period.
..and that has made a world of a difference for me today, as I forgot to grab hold of that Truth!
Car = weird solitude. I agree about the battles being in the car. I do a lot of praying/thinking aloud in mine too…………..
appreciate your honesty on here sheryl. your honesty in general
sophia always says to me, “remember: it’s a WINNING battle!”