The other day I found writing I began 3 years ago to my future hubby. It wasn’t a “start and finish” piece, but rather it took years to wrap my heart around rawness of what I was feeling at the moment.. so over time, as I was thinking through the book I wanted to pen about love in my generation, I felt that I really wanted this piece in it but didn’t know where it would smoothly fit in. I loved the memoir feel to it — the transparency — the ‘penny for my thoughts’ vibe but I knew that my first book would not be a memoir and so I found that this would become a very sincere dedication piece.
Just a very small glimpse of what’s to come…
I always envisioned my life at 25 married with children, singing like a pop star and saving the world, one orphan at a time. Success was a part of my plan and distractions were not. It would have been nice to be warned in my teenage years that life does not unfold like a teenage dream. Katy Perry was wrong.
I have a track record of going after the “wrong men” – the types I know that are not good for me. They are appealing to the eyes and ears, but damaging to the heart. They grieve the Spirit. I run head-first without thinking at times. Emotions strong. Heart on my sleeves, expecting the same in return.
It doesn’t happen that way, does it? Transparency is a rare attribute found in people today. And so I find myself writing to you in raw verbiage, wondering if this will ever even be read. I wish I was more articulate, but all I know to do is think and speak. In my words. Most of the time, choppy.
Jane Austen did some serious damage to my heart at a very early age. She trained my brain to believe that there is a ‘type’ of man out there that is too good to be true, that he can only be deemed fictional.
He pursues. He battles. He cherishes. He conquers.
Every story-book tale unravels as such. I find myself swooning with the millions of young women around the world. Where is this man? European accent. Tall physique. Exceptional build. Dreamy eyes. Goober smile. Youth. Nerdy intelligence. Not a ‘bad guy’..but a bad guy.
I’m twenty-seven, right?
Clearly, I did not get that memo.
My emotions and my imagination are my worst enemy at times. I spend more time fighting it than embracing it. I grow so weary from the day-to-day battle that I end up giving up. Always. My wall goes up and I distract myself with the things of this world. Enticing things.
Any genre. Any field. This list is end-less. I pull out my favorite attributes from each man and I create my own Darcy. If he’s in my head, no one can take him away, right? Yet another lie society throws in our direction. So, I’m left detoxing the sin from my thoughts and wonder what is left to work with. I repent more than there are fingers and toes.
Somewhere in my head, beyond the name and fame, I know that one day this will be read. You will surpass everything my ‘4-page list’ required and it’ll make complete sense that you clash with my list, and that has become a sweet realization. As young, Christian females, we have been advised to have these infamous lists.. but I found myself hiding behind them. They have done more damage than good. I wonder how I would feel knowing I could never make it on your list of ‘options’ because I never met your ‘wifey requirements’. So, here I am.. with a heavy heart and realization that I have been doing this to you for years. Why, you ask? It was safe for me and it fit within clean black & white lines. You do not.
I’ve tried to write our story many times. So many times. Each time I found myself grabbing the eraser. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for Taylor Swift to write the “story of us” and here I am wondering why it is so difficult to pen ours. Could this actually be something beyond me? Does this reveal to me my innate desire to control situations? Yes. Do I hate emptying my hands for a God I cannot see? Yes.
Do I love this God? Yes. In ways that don’t even make sense to myself. I love Him more than I could ever even begin to start loving you. That is why I am here with a heart full of repentance wondering why I’ve bought into all of these glamorous lies for years. The battle for my heart continues. I submit to His plan for us.
I look forward to the day when I get to see your face.. till then, I will wait. I will hope and believe that He who began a good work in my life will complete it. He began our story. He will finish it. On that day ..we will see Him face-to-face and be made like Him. Oh what a day that will be!
“…those who endure to the end will be saved.” -Matthew 24:13